Yesterday I did something that made my palms sweat and my heart race.
I know. Can you even believe this?
If you are anything like my sister you are laughing a little. My sister is the yin to my yang. An open book to my locked diary. A heart on a sleeve to my hidden tattoo. (I don’t have a hidden tattoo but if I did I WOULD NOT TELL YOU ABOUT IT.)
My sister called me shortly after I posted the article on Facebook and our conversation went something like this:
Sister: “You posted your article! I didn’t realize your article talked about your miscarriage.”
Sister: “Sarah, anyone who knows you would never accuse you of oversharing.” Ok that is a paraphrase but essentially she reminded me of the fact that I am not exactly easy to read.
She also pointed out how I wrote privately in this blog for a year before even going public. So yeah, baby steps for me.
I’ve been writing for almost another year on my now published blog (yay!) and those baby steps all led up to yesterday. I knew I was ready but still: sweaty palms. (Plus I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder so trust me, sweaty palms are basically my jam.)
So I shared it and…everyone was amazing. Overly amazing actually. And of course they were! But then something unexpected happened:
- First I felt tears
- Then I felt…joy?!
What was this? I work from home so I did what I usually need to do in situations like this: I talked out loud to my beagles.
“Beagles….I am crying but I am not sad. Am I relieved? Kind of. But, I think I feel joy. Yes, joy. And love. BEAGLES I DO NOT UNDERSTAND!”
Relief, yes. And the relief wasn’t even because people liked it and were being so kind and loving — that was wonderful but there was something else to it. I felt relief that my story had been told.
And joy, definitely joy.
I still didn’t get the joy bit. Frankly it took me by surprise. I did some googling for Brené Brown quotes about vulnerability. Because if you have a question about vulerability you have to ask Brené. (LOVE ME SOME BRENÉ.)
Well, lo and behold I found this little gem:
Yes, exactly Brené! When you are vulnerable and share your story about loss and grief and miscarriage, it is not crazy to feel joy apparently. Because sharing your story = connection = joy = being seen.
And then, because I am obsessed with Brené, I kept looking through quotes and found this one. And I was all, YES PREACH IT BRENÉ!
That is it: I was walking inside my story. That is why it felt good. The sweaty-palm bit, well that is what happens when we put ourselves out there. I know that. But the joy from telling the story, from connection…I wasn’t expecting that. Icing on the cake, my friends.
(And, to those of you who read yesterday and have known me for a zillion years and were so kind and loving…thank you. I love you.)
Yours in sweat and tears and, yes, joy,
Have you experienced this before?! I’d love to hear how your own sweaty-palm-moments led to joy. Because wow, right?