loss

Surrendering to the Season of my Heart

I’m currently reading this little gem of a book called Anam Cara by John O’Donohue. It’s a compilation of Celtic wisdom on the themes of friendship, solitude, love, and death.

One passage in particular really resonated with me. O’Donohue describes the Celts’ wonderful intuition for life; how they respect the circle of the seasons and understand that the rhythms in nature are also active in our own hearts.  How there is wisdom in surrendering to whatever season we find ourselves in.

I can definitely relate to finding myself in a season of the heart: without a doubt it feels as though I have been stuck in winter for some time. The last three years have largely been dominated by pain and loss. My mom passed away the day that my daughter turned eight months old. Her death unearthed a well of grief much deeper than I could have anticipated. (I write about this experience a bit in another post.)

I have no doubt that releasing this grief has healed me in ways I could never have expected, and I’m certainly grateful for the fruits of the painful passage. That being said, I’m more than ready to move on to the next season of my heart.

In January when I found out I was pregnant, I was elated. In an amazing twist of fate, my due date was the date of my mother’s passing. How beautiful, I thought. New life literally springing forth after a season of loss.

But then I miscarried. It is an understatement to say that I was devastated.

I thought, really universe, more grief and loss? I have tired of this landscape. I know my husband is beyond tired of this landscape. The whole experience has rattled me and made me question whether I can trust that “this too will pass.” What is next, I bitterly ask.

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CC license, photo courtesy of Pexels.

O’Donohue reminds us that nobody is immune from bleak times. He urges—be “exceedingly gentle with yourself.”  In Anam Cara, he describes the image of a field of corn in autumn:

When the wind catches the corn, it does not stand stiff and direct against the force of the wind; were it to do this, the wind would rip it sunder. No, the corn weaves with the wind, it bends low. And when the wind is gone, it weaves back and finds its own poise and balance again. (passage from Anam Cara by John O’Donohue.)

I may not like that I still find myself in winter, but for now I will do my best to surrender to it. When I am impatient, I will remind myself that ultimately it is a season. Seasons cannot be fought or battled, but simply weathered. Seasons are not personal. Yes, it may require bending and weaving with the wind for a bit, but the wind will eventually stop, and balance will return again.

Plus, after winter comes spring. I will hold onto the faith that sometime soon, when the time is right, the ag borradh will appear: the Gaelic term for “quivering life to break forth.”

You may also enjoy An Ocean of Tears Larger than the Four Oceans.

 

 

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4 thoughts on “Surrendering to the Season of my Heart”

  1. I can’t believe the due date was your mom’s death, that is terribly heartbreaking given the turn of events. You’re doing a tremendous amount of inner work. That book sounds really good, and particularly meaningful for you right now. Yes, you’re deep in winter, buried, but it can’t stay this intense and heavy, things will shift and change, albeit slowly. Spring will come in its own time. Hang in there as best you can.

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